I really couldn’t think of a better title so here goes….
oh you’re a virgin.”
“No way, are you a virgin. How old are you?”
“mid twenties”
“No way are you in your mid twenties and still a virgin.”
“ Yes,way”
“and you’ve never given oral?”
“no.. no oral..”
“nahhh I don’t believe you. You have a sexual aura, I don’t believe you ”
“Would you like me to show you my intact hymen…?”
By this point, the conversations ends because the man is uncomfortable. He isn’t used to talking about the female anatomy in this way (he’s more familiar with conversations that revolve around breasts and bums and not the intricate details of the vagina) and so he proceeds to changing the topic. I on the other hand, am smirking from ear to ear because I see the discomfort in his eyes. This conversation and many many variations of it have plagued me for as long as I remember and although hugely hilarious, it just makes me think, “can I not be abstinent in peace? Must I threaten to expose my hymen before you leave me alone and/ or believe me? Damn.”
Navigating the dating scene is tough enough without the constant suspicion around my chastity but I imagine it’s somewhat worse for those who have had sex before. The constant barraging of sexual imageries (which force you to cast your minds back to those passionate nights) and the offering of sex from previous partners may leave you rethinking your abstinent journey and although our journeys are a little bit different, I’m writing this for you too.
Whether you’re a virgin or not, the elephant in the room is we’re sexless. We know it, our loins know it and it feels like the people around us know it too and sometimes it feels like crap. Sometimes it does seem like you’re the only one in the world not having sex and that FOMO, if not properly curtailed can have you typing out “you up” (or worse) to the opposite sex because at that moment, satisfying the longing to be held and touched is more important than obedience/ discipline. In all honesty, you’ll most likely send that “you up” message because you’re human. Even if given the option to “unsend”, most of us wouldn’t because we enjoy flirting but we have to stop playing with fire. The “you up” can easily turn to “ you wanna come over” which can easily turn to “ be there in half an hour”, which can easily result in 7 minutes of pleasure and even if it doesn’t lead to sex, it will likely lead to an argument because he’s now turned on and you’re acting oblivious. Save yourself the drama and put your phone down.
Besides, you’re not the only one in the world not having sex. The fact that I’m writing this article means that there is one other person that you (kind of) know who is just as sexless as you, if not more sexless. Stop pining.
Be confident about it. A while back, a woman invited me to coffee. She wanted to understand the source of my confidence particularly where it pertained to abstinence. I remember telling her that you can’t be abstinent and sheepish, or people will try and negotiate terms with you. We laughed (probably to numb the disappoint from those situations) but she too had been in positions where she felt she had to compromise. It’s your vagina, your legs, your decision and your terms. If you don’t want to spread them, don’t. Just have the confidence to tell the man before you’re on top of each other.
Finally, stop trying to prove to people that you’re not bothered and just accept abstinence for what it is – delayed sexual gratification. Certainly, there are benefits to it, the glory of Christ being revealed in you being one of them and the deeper connectedness with your spouse being another but you do not have to prove to anyone that you’re living your best sexless life, just live your best life.
We’re sexless (for now) but we’re going to be ok. No matter how surprised people are when you reveal that you’re waiting until marriage, you’re going to be ok. Nobody ( to my knowledge) ever died from no sex, so you’ll survive.
If after reading this you’re still insistent on playing with fire just know that it will end in moans.
Thank you for reading.
Love Cris x
P.S, I’ll be bringing out a book next year on similar topics. This will likely feature as a chapter in said book, so if you’re interested in knowing when that drops, please sign up below.
P.S.S, if you’re in London on the 2nd November, the blog will be hosting a debate and networking evening on infidelity called, “Why Men Cheat. Why Women Cheat.” I’d love to see you all there, so grab your ticket pretty please.
