Dating is similar to algebra.  Yes I just compared the human process of mating to mathematics but bear with me whilst I attempt to explain. In algebra, the objective is to find “x” and within dating both parties are also trying to find “x”.  It’s a process of trial and error, whereby all the wrong answers are eliminated until the true answer is revealed.

We generally date in vacuums as it would defeat the purpose of getting to know the other party but there are just some men you shouldn’t date:

1. The “ let’s split the bill on the first date” man .

I’m a traditional girl ( at least with regards to most things) and so the idea of splitting the bill or worse paying for the bill on the first date is foreign. I anticipate there will be some male backlash on this first point but the truth sets free.   Money is perhaps the biggest contention in most relationships and granted, we are still licking our wounds from the credit crunch, but the first date should be on the guy.  Typically men like to pay and so a man who produces a thesis on why he shouldn’t pay or why the bill should be split is questionable.  A man shouldn’t be expected to pay for every date thereafter and that’s a conversation to be had before the second date ( if there is one) but a man should pay on the first date.

2. The “ I don’t have restaurant etiquette” man.

This man might be harder to detect because obviously you would need to have seen him eat before concluding that he eats like a slob. However, if on the first date he shows signs of eating like a slob and he initiates a second date, respectfully decline. Slob like tendencies include, licking the fork in an obscenely grotesque way, licking the spoon in an obscenely grotesque way, licking the plate in an obscenely grotesque way, licking his lips in an obscenely grotesque way, burping above the normal decibel, using the serviette like a toddler and smacking his lips after every chew.  Run.

3. The “ I have to constantly dress like a roadman to affirm my masculinity” man.

Roadman: the term used to describe a man who spends excessive time on the “streets”.

I’ve recently adopted a comfort over fashion approach to outfits and so I’ve traded killer high heels to moderately high heels. I therefore understand the need to be comfortable. However, I do not understand the need to constantly wear a tracksuit or flared jeans or a bomber jacket come rain or shine. Wear a shirt, wear fitted jeans ( I know how some men have an aversion to skinny jeans) and wear shoes. In the words of a girlfriend of mine, who put it so eloquently, “You’re 25 for goodness sake! Wear a blazer once in a while”.

4. The “I take selfies excessively” man.

His Instagram is flooded with pictures of just himself. His twitter is flooded with pictures of just himself. His Facebook ( do we still use this platform?) is flooded with pictures of just himself.  I remember reading this wonderful quotation about men and selfies that made me chuckle and unfortunately I never bookmarked but it satirically criticized men who take selfies.  Aside from the “pout” not being as cute on men as they are on women, a man with endless selfies will probably be as vain in person as he is online.  Vanity is not particularly attractive in any human being but in a man it can be very off-putting. Every other picture is a well staged photograph of him in the gym with his abs on show. I’m always tempted to shout “we get it your abs are perfect.”  There are no pictures of his friends ( which should make you question if he has friends), there are no funny quotations ( which should make you question his sense of humour) and there are no Aristotle  type quotations ( which should make you question whether he thinks at all)  just him without a shirt, in a gym.

5. The “ when you ask him what he does for a living, he says I hustle” man.

Have you ever perused a questionnaire and come across a question asking about your occupation and found the “I hustle” option? No? Neither have I and so when I ask a man what he does for a living and he says, “hustle” my mind goes blank. Hustling is a verb i.e a word used to describe an action but what I wanted from this question was a noun. For example, “I’m a doctor” or “ I’m a journalist” or even “ I’m a rapper”.  “I hustle” is not a job title, it’s a way of deflecting. If the conversation has nicely progressed to that stage where more personal questions are being asked, it’s generally a sign of interest and so “I hustle”  just isn’t an appropriate or meaningful answer. Next.

So before you accept his invitation, peruse this list and then decide.

You don’t have to date in a vacuum.

Love Cris x

P.S I didn’t want to inundate you with more than I have already so I’ve split this post into two parts. Part 2 will be coming shortly.

P.S.S This is largely a satirical post. Lol.