Hi lovers. You will have to excuse my hiatus from ThePromiscuousPen but as some of you may know, when life gets in the way, you just have to keep making lemonade, even when you want to make cranberry juice. However, as of today I am back like a bra strap with another ludicrously profound piece (my confidence levels are clearly on Kanye levels) but in all honesty I hope you enjoy this one.

One evening, when life was still throwing me countless lemons, I decided to have some male friends over (for their sake and for the sake of their love lives/prospective love lives, I won’t reveal their identities but for the sake of clarity let us call one MOG and YellowElba) to watch some movies and discuss “life”. If you are well acquainted with me you would know discussing “life” over good food is a favourite passé-temp of mine and so I was delighted to spend my evening with these men. Naturally, the topic of relationships came up and I was asked “Cristine, what are you into?”  Again if you are well acquainted with me, you will know that I hate being put on the spot but I believe I uttered something along the lines of “a man who loves God, chocolate skinned, nice body, strong arms, broad shoulders, tall, facial hair, ambition and drive”. MOG answered, “what about the money? You want him to have the money right?” To this I replied, ” a man that is ambitious will suffice. Ambition will always translate into monetary gain.” YellowElba added,  “what about a situation where you are in a relationship with a man for two years and he has no job but tons of ambition, what would happen then?” I thought about it and answered, “There must be something he isn’t doing because ambition translates to money and I would hope that together we could pinpoint where he was going wrong.”  YellowElba persisted with the question, “So you wouldn’t leave him?” At this point I felt dejected and slightly ganged up upon but of course I didn’t let them see that so I insisted, “the point is to build together, so an ambitious man who hasn’t exactly got it all together wouldn’t necessarily drive me away.” They clearly weren’t satisfied with my answers because they looked at each other, chuckled and unanimously chanted, “it’s all about the dough.”

As I began to mentally question my friendship with these men (I was irritated by how smug they were at the thought of having unlocked another level of the female game, when in reality they still know nothing) I couldn’t help but think that perhaps they are right. Perhaps really it is all about the dough, or at least the potential dough. I was so adamant that money wasn’t a deciding factor in my selection process but when they put that particular scenario forward to me, I had to stop and think. Women like to be provided for and catered to (I anticipate hate mail from feminists) so the idea of being with a person who can’t do that is foreign and to suggest otherwise is false.  There are studies to corroborate this. For instance, a study in Germany, taken in 2011 shows that increasingly women are using money to separate the men from the boys (so to speak) which is particularly interesting given the more recent movements in equality between the genders, proving that money is still a factor.  At this juncture, I want to stress that there isn’t anything wrong with women employing such tactics. Being with a man who can provide for you is strategic. The reality is, you have to deal realistically with your future and whichever way we try to paint it, suggesting otherwise will not pay bills. Thus, it is imperative to think about money and how it ties into the life you envisage for yourself.

Although I disagreed with their unconscious and subtle berating of women who place emphasis on money (of course they wouldn’t see it this way) I think I was more moved and (dare I say it) intrigued by something else they said. According to them, women like to be part of the glory story, i.e. they want to have a hand in building a man who has potential, they want to nurture such men with prospects, grow with such men, and attach themselves with such men going back to their original point that women are still driven by the dough or at least the potential dough. This is an interesting concept for the fact that there are women who are adamant that they don’t care about money but wouldn’t marry a man who thrives on sitting on his ass, watching re-runs of an irrelevant show about men who sit on their asses being irrelevant but would insist they look for “ambition”.  I admit this is an extreme example but I can’t help but question whether the term “ambition” or even the word “prospects” are codes for financial stability or whether they are just words.  I remember speaking to another friend of mine who opposed women who cited ambition as a reason for wanting a relationship with him. I thought his approach harsh but it’s another example of how frequently the word is used. He mentioned how sceptical he is about women interested in future gain as opposed to the present and it struck me, had he caught on to how women use the word ambition so easily , when really they mean much more?   If ambition is just a guise for financial security, then who are we kidding? Men with earning potential are more attractive but a lot of us do hide behind the guise of “ambition” or feign no interest at all and I wonder why that is.

YellowElba and MOD’s accusations however harsh they might have seemed to me then are somewhat true considering money, ambition (whichever language you prefer to use) is a factor.  Wanting a man with ambition is excellent but sometimes it is needful to question why we rank some qualities above others in our selection process. We might be reluctant to admit but for many a woman, solvency may actually be the name of the game.

Love Cris x

P.S this is not true for all women so please feminists be nice.

P.S.S I still love a man with ambition and a (lovely) beard.

P.S.S. Happy to be back!!!