“If you want a Christian man, maybe try the church.” – Anon
The title of the article is problematic for obvious reasons. The notion of uprooting yourself from a church you may (or may not ) be invested in because you’re not attracted to the available pool of men within said church sounds absurd. The church is not for the gathering of believers in pursuit of love but for the gathering of believers in pursuit of Christ. Whilst, I understand the criticism, why can’t said single believers be in pursuit of both?
I grew up in a church where the demographic was largely adults. This meant absolutely nothing to me until someone else questioned the absence of younger people in the church. I looked around and as they had rightfully pointed out, the makeup of the church was largely above 30. A couple of years later, I arrived at a point where I was open to dating and the leading question from both friends and family was, “what about the men in your church?”, to which I replied , “there are no men I would date in my church.” I wasn’t being overly – particular. I was simply stating facts.
The focal point has always been and always will be Christ and nothing in this article detracts from that but the reality is, if not church then where? Granted there’s the bus stop, work, corner shop, concerts , museums and anywhere else people gather but what better place to search for a future spouse than within the confines of a building known to host people who share in your belief and your attitude to sex. This is not to say that the church , more specifically churchgoers are void of flaws or questionable traits but this should naturally be the starting point. However, if your starting point doesn’t have a pool wide enough to swim in then what good is your starting point?
Imagine a scenario where Person A spends everyday after work at church. Person A loves God with her whole heart, mind and soul but also has a strong desire for marriage. She is an usher at the church, which allows her to survey the congregation on a weekly basis and every week as she watches the pews fill up with middle-aged married couples, middle-aged single men and talkative children, she hopes a new ( young, Morris Chestnut looking brother) will walk through the doors and preferably into her arms and heart. However, it never works out like that. Every Sunday she leaves church still loving God but wondering where on his beautiful earth she would meet such man. This is a reality for a lot of people, women particularly, who typically struggle with the sub par numbers of eligible bachelors in their church. Perhaps leaving the church altogether seems impetuous but one should definitely reconsider changing church habits. Changing church habits could be something as small as attending a mid-week service at a fellowship where the demographic matches your preferences or moving churches entirely.
I understand the concerns from our more conservative brethren. The church isn’t akin to Tinder, it’s a place of corporate worship. The blurring of the lines between church and secularism has gone on for too long already and this further extends the deadline. There’s an execution concern also. For example, how does one approach a lady within the church without inviting criticism? Should one take a staggered approach or should one invest in a few people at a time? The obvious consequence of taking the latter route is being labelled a “player” or “serial dater” , which could damage one’s church reputation. There’s the concern that if things don’t go according to plan, you still have to see that person every single week and be reminded of your failed attempt at love . There’s the added concern that by endorsing this type of migration, we’re creating a breed of Christians constantly looking for the next best church because they’ve defied marriage as opposed to Christ. As valid as these concerns are, (especially the latter) they shouldn’t thwart your healthy marriage ambitions.
We have to be wise to the future spouse pool and act accordingly. If your church doesn’t have the best infrastructure then look elsewhere. I’ve reiterated time and time again that the christian dating pool is highly skewed in the man’s favour so strategic positioning as a single Christian female is incredibly important. If dating a believer is important to you and you’re struggling to find them within your current church then you have to get creative because finding a great man of God or woman of God just won’t happen because we will it. This is not to say that God can’t raise a husband or wife for you out of your small church. He is God. He specialises in doing the impossible. However, placing yourself where you are more likely to realise your goals is hugely beneficial. Stop living a life contrary to your desires and live intentionally. Get noticed. Brush your hair. Wear some colour and get in front of Christian single men( or Christian women as the case may be) and date.
Visit other churches with an abundance of eligible bachelors/ single ladies. Don’t be shackled to your church because you think it’s the loyal thing to do and then lament on the state of your love life. You’re not changing religion, you’re simply changing address.
However, in everything employ wisdom and put Christ at the centre.
Love Cris x .