Despite the frankness in the title (no you better speak now or forever hold your peace) this post is coming from a loving place, as all my articles generally do. Nothing would give me more joy than to hear that you have all found love (preferably not in a hopeless place) and are happy and settled. However, I have had a burden in my heart for some time now, which I had to share because as the old adage advices, “sharing is caring” and since my whole ethos hinges on the advancement of people whether physically, spiritually or emotionally , I knew that this was a topic I could no longer keep to myself.
We’ve all watched Hollywood movies where a couple stands before a number of witnesses and the priest says those infamous words, “if anyone can show just cause why this couple cannot lawfully be joined together in matrimony, let them speak now or forever hold their peace”. Generally nobody ever speaks out to contest the marriage (except in that episode of greys anatomy) , the service continues as normal and the couple take huge sighs of relief. However, I’ve always wondered if somewhere in the congregation sat a soul who secretly pinned over the woman who was about to become a wife or the man who was about to become a husband. This poor soul probably had countless opportunities to profess his/her love to the other party but wished to stay mute because of a fear of rejection. This pour soul probably spent their days dreaming about life with this person but when asked about what he (I’m using “he” generically, feminists don’t shoot me) is dreaming about, he hesitates before answering “nothing”. Then one day this poor soul receives a text from that friend that he had always secretly pinned for that reads,
“I’m getting married. Thank you for all the support you have shown me over the years. Invitations will be out soon. Save the date, 14th February 2015.”
This poor soul is now in a church filled with people, sitting in between two middle aged women who are both sobbing at the sight of the newlywed couple, mourning internally. This poor soul didn’t even bring a + 1to distract him from the sight of the woman that could have been his,so he does what any other person would do in this situation, he gets up, walks towards the couple, extends his congratulations, then walks out with a wounded heart, still pining over his would be lover.
I made that story up (obviously) and I can admit that it is slightly exaggerated but whether exaggerated or not this is reality for a lot of us who are too fearful to make our intentions known, so we end up as guests at a wedding we really should have been the star of.
“No , you don’t understand Cristine. I’m waiting till I get a proper job and a nice car.” “I’m waiting until I have enough money to provide for the both of us.” “I’m waiting till he comes back from his one year placement abroad because I can’t fathom the idea of long distance relationships.” These reasons simply mask the fact that we still haven’t grasped what it means to be intentional with regards to matters of the heart. We would rather let opportunities pass us by because we feel we are not quite ready. Whilst I’m not saying that we should all rush into relationships and marriages without being “ready” (whatever that term even means ) or even profess feelings you think you are feeling . What I am saying is when you know, that you know, that you know this person could be the Bonnie to your Clyde, the Michelle to your Barack and vice versa, state your intentions and be ballsy because quite frankly we are too old to be masking our “feelings” .
I’ll delve into my own personal life for just a moment to clarify what I mean by being intentional. Myself and a girlfriend were laughing and discussing men (as women do) over some delicious food and she asked me about any “interests” and I quickly shrugged the question off, chuckled and replied, “girl, it is too early in the year”. She then proceeded with “What about Mr X? He really likes you. I notice the way he acts around you.” My response was, “Really? He hasn’t mentioned anything to me, and he hasn’t made his intentions known.” She replied, “Maybe, he is scared.” I ended with, “Maybe” and continued with my meal. Perhaps Mr X does have feelings for me but the fact is, he hasn’t said anything and whilst I appreciate that he might fear possible rejection, I honestly just want him to speak now or forever hold his peace.
I’m weary of the fact that we often confuse lust and infatuation with genuine affection and if you are still unsure where your emotions sit on that thin line, then its best you forever hold your peace. However, where you know that you can envision spending possibly all your days with this person and you want to find out where an adventure with that person could lead, then speak up. If you fit into the latter category, then I want you to know that nobody ever attained anything by being mute. Fortune always favours the brave.
Love is not a waiting game; at least the prelude to love isn’t meaning that you have to be intentional. Moreover, there is such thing as too late and it looks a lot like a text/phone call from the love of your life stating that he/she is getting married. You have to do everything in your power to make sure you don’t end up like the poor soul grieving internally at the wedding of their ideal partner because they missed their chance on something special.
Thank me later
Love Cris x
p.s prepared to be inundated with love articles in the lead up to valentine’s day.
p.s.s professing your love doesn’t have to be quite as dramatic as Romeo and Juliet.