Maybe this is part one.
Maybe there will be a series.
Dating as a Black, Christian abstinent woman is a form of sanctification. Yes, you read that correctly, sanctification. I would have written “persecution” but I’m aware that my hyperbole may be too excessive, so sanctification will do just fine.
noun [ U ] formal
UK /ˌsæŋk.tɪ.fɪˈkeɪ.ʃən/ US /ˌsæŋk.tə.fəˈkeɪ.ʃən/
the act of making something or someone holy.
I’ve said it before (if you follow me on instagram and twitter (if you don’t follow me on either then you need to), it’s probable that you have read a tweet or two on this topic) and I’ll say it again, the pool of available Christian men to women is a puddle. No actually it’s a tear.
Scan the population of your local church and (whilst I accept and expect that some results may vary), your findings will more than likely corroborate my thesis. If the cute drummer or keyboardist (I use them for illustrative purposes only, please do not take offence if you are a drummer or keyboardist) isn’t already married then he’s most likely taken, or if they are single then you might find that your definitions of abstinence don’t align or he’s single because he has a plethora of good looking Christian women to choose from and doesn’t want to settle down just yet. Why would he even want to? He knows the demand for Christian men is high but the supply is low, thus he has the luxury to play the field a bit more yet either way, he is unavailable. I also think a lot of Christian Black women are vying for the same type of man. Ask a sample of these women what their type is and many of them will describe something close to “tall, dark and handsome”. This is largely different to men, who appear more flexible where it pertains to aesthetics, although this could be a result of having more options to begin with. I’ll likely flesh out my thesis in part 2, should I ever draft it but judging from tweets and instagram posts, (I’m aware that sometimes these serve as echo-chambers and do not always reflect the reality offline), 80% of us are going for 20% of them.
Scripture says that the harvest is plentiful but the labourers and I know that the intent behind the verse was not in any way to depict the dating scene for women but for us, the harvest is certainly not plentiful and the labourers are still few. This has led me to conclude that a lot of Christian women would be in relationships if religion was a non factor. If religion was a non-factor, it wouldn’t matter that he only attended church that one Sunday in Easter. If religion was a non-factor it would be ok for him to refer to the “universe” where he should have mentioned “God”. If religion was a non-factor, it would be ok if sex before marriage was on the cards, it would even be ok if sex on the first date was on the cards. If religion was a non-factor, believing Jesus Christ was a prophet (and not the son of the true and living God, who came to die for the sins of mankind, so that through his death and resurrection we could be rekindled to our Father once again) would be ok. If religion was a non-factor, it would be ok for him to believe in no God at all. That list isn’t exhaustive and should illustrate that if religion was a non-factor, any and every man would be permissible. To use more colloquial verbiage, any and every man would “get it”. Instead, our desires are constantly being Holy Spirit checked as our wills are being transformed by a longing to please Christ, even where it pertains to issues of the heart and loins. The question being asked is, will you lay it all down or would you rather lay down with an unbeliever?
For the Christian woman, it would seem that the jungle (as unfair as it sounds) is pruning us. It’s always questioning our motive and forcing us to say, “right God the numbers seemed stacked against me but you’re in control so I’m just going to keep looking really cute at events and let you do your thing.”
No facet of our lives should be exempt from holiness and whilst Christianity is not about works, our faith informs our actions and naturally our mating choices. The option to be with just anyone because the proportion of Christian black men to Christian black women (in your local church) is disproportionate, might glare a lot more but the decision to wait out for something that is more aligned to the faith that you profess is godly, albeit annoying.
The retort from men is that women are exaggerating but often people who speak from positions of privilege struggle to step down and really take stock of their surroundings. However, numbers do not lie, even if they do.
To conclude, the christian dating scene (at least what I have seen of it in England, where the population of black people is brutishly small and then those who identify as Christian is brutishly smaller) is a jungle for Black, Christian Women but Jesus remains an empathetic high priest and you’ve just gotta do what you need to do, to turn your dating puddle (or tear) into a sizeable pool again.
My emails and direct messages are open anytime you just want to vent because I know for a lot of women this is a pain point.
Also, check out Blagapé, a black Christian dating brand. It might be the solution to your desires. I’ve linked their Instagram and twitter below too: